Breaking down the walls of my heart

Yesterday, I went to an amazing Christian women's conference with the speaker Marty Sholar.  She touched on 3 big aspects of Christianity: Joy, Grace, and Faith.  While I've been a Christian my whole life, and had my true "conversion" moment in college--when I realized that Christ was in my heart and my savior--the last several years have been lacking.

A week ago, I was in my car, listening to children's worship music with the kids and praying for clarity when my mother-in-law called to invite me to hear Marty speak.  Could there have been a more obvious sign?

I don't want to go into great detail about the conference, but I do want to share what became abundantly clear (I asked for clarity, didn't I?) throughout the day: I have a huge wall wrapped around my heart--I knew the wall was there with regards to the people around me, I just wasn't aware that it was blocking out God.  Life is tough at times.  Over the last several years, I have built up a wall of protection while dealing with the lemons life sometimes throws at you.  The problem is that while it may have seemed to help prevent pain, what it mostly did is prevent healing.  The reason I sometimes felt alone and helpless was because I was closed, I didn't trust God.  I had faith in His existence, but I was not trusting in his Goodness.  I was afraid to be open because honestly, I was disappointed in God because of things that happened outside of my control.  I realized that spiritually, I have been in an even more messed up place than I originally thought, but Marty provided a formula for healing our spiritual needs and I've already begun that process.  I also remembered that I have the book Disappointment with God because someone recognized what was happening to me YEARS ago and gave it to me.  I am reading one of Marty's books, Rejoicing in the Morning, right now, but once I'm done, I'm going to read it.

I am a control-freak.  I've always known that about myself and used to be much better about trusting in God to take control.  I see so many things that I've tried to "fix" and while I've certainly prayed about them, I have not relinquished control until today.  

Here's the formula for healing, in case anyone else needs it right now:

1. Define the need (Value, forgiveness, acceptance, belonging, safety, understanding, nurture) 

2. Go to the scripture and read every verse you can about the need (including synonyms for the need)

3. Ask God to show you your _(fill in the need)___ in his eyes.

While it's been an emotional 24 hours, I feel so much more peace and energy than I did.  I have actually been more emotional for the past month and I see now that it was because God has been tugging at my heart.  He's been breaking through that wall, I just had to pick up my own hammer and do my part willingly.

Here are some passages that have resonated with me in the last 24 hours:

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know full well. Psalm 139:14

Put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption. Psalm 130:7

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13

For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.  Colossians 1:13-14

XOXO,

An Aha and a Reflection

Today, I had an aha moment.  I was driving to church, listen to children worship music with Gavin and Kailee, thinking about my first 5K yesterday, when it hit me....

Right before I turned 16, I ran in a relay at camp and did pretty well.  My part was to run a mile and it wasn't so bad.  When school started, I was in PE and HATED it.  My mom talked to the cross country coach, and he allowed me to transfer to the team a week in.  The first day I ran with the team, I had to run 3 miles at what the coach called a singing pace.  It was not a singing pace for me, but I kept up with the girls and did the 3 miles.  That season was hard for me, going from nothing to a minimum of 3+ miles, but I got through it, and through track season.  The next season was easier (having run in the Texas heat all summer), but I was never fast.  I was definitely one of the slowest on the team--though I must say, neither the coach nor the other girls ever made me feel like I was less important.  I quit track my senior year and didn't really try to run again until after I had Kailee.

In December 2009, I decided to start the couch-to-5K program to get back into shape after having Kailee.  I made it through week 1 and will never forget the day I attempted week 2 day 1.  I started out doing the walking warm-up and when it was time to run, my knees and ankles felt like they were going to break.  I stopped running and immediately had constant pain.  I could barely walk to get home.  I had an annoying pain for a couple of weeks before I even felt like normal again.  It turns out, I have weak joints, probably from 10 years of figure skating combined with the 2 years of running in high school.  I had to give up my running dream, the dream that included someday completing a marathon.

I spent the next two years getting into the best shape of my life with constant reminders that my joints did not appreciate certain moves until my Aunt Karen recommended I try glucosamine chondroitin.  6 weeks into taking it, I went for my first run and my joints survived.  My shelved dream became a possibility.  I started back up with the couch-to-5K program, though I could not run 3 times a week.  While the supplements help the joints, the issues still exist, and I have to be mindful of that.  Yesterday, I ran in my first 5K.  2 years ago, I would not have thought that possible.  While it's no marathon, it's a step in that direction.  My friend's mother-in-law snapped a picture of me crossing the finish line, and looking at it made me tear up.  While, yes, I remember running the 5K, seeing the captured moment really made it sink in that I did it.

So what's the point of my ramblings?  What was this aha moment?  Well, I realized why I had to go on this long journey to become a runner again.  I didn't appreciate it before.  I did not appreciate it at all.  God could have made it easy, but I wouldn't have appreciated it, I wouldn't have learned to love running, I wouldn't have learned how to pace myself comfortably, I wouldn't have appreciated what a gift it is to be able to run.  I learned to pace myself by paying attention to my joints and how they feel.  I change my stride as needed to accommodate my joints' comfort.  I also learned to pace myself by experiencing horrible side stitches and discovering that paying attention to breathing can prevent them.  Not to mention the fact that I never would have discovered how much I love circuit training until I had to look outside my box to find other options.  It's amazing to look back and see how everything had to fall into place to get me here.

I am thankful for everyday that I can run.  I will never take running for granted again.

XOXO,