Gavin's 6th Birthday Party

We got a little crazy planning for Gavin's birthday party this year.  Once we found out about the impending deployment, we were able to justify the insanity a little bit more :).  Here are some pictures of his special day--many thanks to Tía Roni for giving us some amazing decorations.

XOXO,

Mad... At myself

Brady convinced me to let him sign.  He has 6.5 years to be eligible for full retirement benefits from the military.  I wanted to say no, but I listened and stupidly believed the troops were coming home.  I should have listened to my gut.  I am not a gambling person at all.  Anyone who has watched Deal or No Deal with me can attest to this.  I am so unbelievably mad at myself.  WHY DID I LET HIM SIGN????  If he had waited a few more months, this wouldn't have been an issue!!!!  How can he sleep right now?

I feel sick.  So sick.  I am so stupid.  I will NEVER ignore my instincts again.  I WILL NEVER gamble on anything again.  It's JUST NOT WORTH IT.

And my children are FORBIDDEN from joining any branch of the military or marrying into it.  FORBIDDEN.

Ay Deployment

I am so truly blessed in my life.  Just last week I let the thought creep in about how I don't deserve how truly blessed I am.  And then fear creeped in.  Fear that I could lose it all.  Well, I haven't lost it all but our world has been shaken up quite a bit.  We found out that Brady will be deployed for 12 months and that he'll be leaving on May 17th for training.

Yesterday I woke up like normal, and for a couple of seconds, I thought it was all a nightmare, and then I remembered it was really happening and the tears began.  I cried while fixing breakfast, while eating, while getting Kailee dressed, while getting myself dressed, while saying goodbye to Gavin and Brady, while driving to Kailee's school, while dropping Kailee off, while driving to my school... You get the picture.  I managed to hold it together for the faculty meeting but then the tears began again and did not stop until midway through first period.  My colleagues were SOOOOOO wonderful.  I got so many hugs and encouraging words from everyone.  I even got a smiley face sticker that made me smile every time I looked at it.  My students were amazing and completely understanding that Mrs. Barber was having a tough day.  Today two brought me brownies, one a nice note, and two some flowers.

I did not ignore my emotions and really made myself think about what all was running through my head.  I wanted to remember.  I realized that most of my tears were brought on first by fear for Brady's safety, second for the fun summer we had planned that no longer could go according to plan, and third the fear that I am going to fail miserably at this.  I am still scared for Brady's safety--and will have that fear until he's home safe--but I am much more okay with the fact that our summer is not going to be what we planned.  I am closer to acceptance than I thought I'd be at this point.  I am still sad that we have to get a refund on our honeymoon/7-year-itch trip and that Brady won't be able to go to Lost Pines for the 3rd year in a row, but it will be okay despite the fact that it sucks.

I am still really scared about my ability to do this.  I have very little patience and was at my wits end when Brady came back from being gone for only 2 weeks.  I was snapping at my kids left and right and feeling like the world's worst mother after 2 weeks.  I don't want to do this alone.  I am not one of those moms who can't leave her kids for one night.  I need my time away from them to truly appreciate them.  I am a very selfish person.  I need alone time or I can't handle life.  My energy comes from being alone.  Plus, I am a perfectionist, believe it or not, and I feel this HUGE pressure to be the perfect parent to compensate for Daddy leaving and I don't know that I can do it.  Brady is the better parent.  I'm the one who should be deployed.

I don't like taking care of things.  I LOVE that Brady pays the bills and takes care of everything like that for me.  I have no worries.  I have ZERO desire to take care of things like that.  I am worried that things will break and I won't be able to get them fixed because I have to save all my days for when the kids are sick--I only get 10 a school year and 1 goes to the leave pool.

You know, Brady just convinced me to let him sign another contract a couple of months ago.  I naively did not even consider deployment a possibility.  They said troops were coming home.  I cannot believe I had a part in letting this happen to our family.  I swore I would never do anything to let this happen again.  Brady promised he wouldn't sign again.  Why did I listen to him?  Screw retirement.  Now I feel the anger coming on so I'm going to stop this post before it turns into a rant.

Before I end, I do have one more thing that needs to be said.  I am so thankful for all the prayers and good thoughts sent my way the last few days.  I did not feel alone and know I made it through the day yesterday and today because of all the wonderful people I am connected to whether in person or through Facebook.  Please continue to pray for us.  All day I have felt strong, but I feel the weakness seeping in again.  Oh well, it's good to just let the tears flow--better tonight at home than tomorrow at school.

XOXO,

Disappointed

I am finding that so many people in my life are either cowards or hypocrites.  I strive to be neither of those.  It really hurts when people tell me one thing and then refuse to step up with me in fear of hurting someone else's feelings.  What about me?  What about my feelings?  I guess because I'm "brave" my feelings don't matter.  Guess what, I'm hurt.  I hurt a lot.  I'm not even hurt by the hateful things directed my way in the last 24 hours.  I'm hurt by the silence.  The people too scared to back me up when they've told me to my face they agree with me.  There's NO EXCUSE for that.  NONE.

XOXO,

When you're right, you're right

"Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."  Matthew 5:10

Today I am proud to say I stood firm in my faith and was persecuted on behalf of the Lord.  Today I had the opportunity to accept and be silent or voice what I truly believe God would want, and despite fear, I did it and I'm proud even after all the ramifications and being truly hurt by close friends who did not defend my character because they did not agree with my opinion. (Though my best friends sure did when I needed them most).

Basically, I expressed my belief that it is inappropriate to allow a non-Christian to be the leader of a strongly-Christian affiliated organization.  I don't care if the person is a good, moral person.  If they are not a Christian, they should not lead a Christian organization.  This is not discrimination.  This is common sense.  I am sure a Muslim, Jewish, Hindu, etc group would not have a Christian leader if it were strongly religion-based.  Because of this opinion, I was basically called a bigot and treated like a pariah, by other Christians, including my friends.  I still do not understand their problem.  I was completely disrespected and attacked by "Christians" which was very hard being that I am someone who values respect very much.  I am glad to say that I maintained my integrity and demonstrated respect throughout.

People put words in my mouth and created their own stories in their heads about what I truly meant when suggesting that only a Christian should lead a Christian organization. They suggested I didn't think non-Christians should be allowed to join said group.  Never said that.  I think all faiths should be allowed to join a Christian organization. If you know me AT ALL, I'm about the most inclusive person in the world and avoid exclusion at all costs.  As Christians we should demonstrate Christ's love to everyone.  As the quote says, "You can preach a better sermon with your life than your lips."  I just think leadership should not be open to non-Christians in a CHRISTIAN GROUP.  I don't think this is such an outrageous idea.  

I mean, let's be honest... Jesus would want a Christian leading other Christians in Christianity.  That's not discrimination, that's the truth.

XOXO,

The Bedtime Diaries Conclude

So tonight, I bravely moved from the floor to the couch.  I was firm, assured Kailee that I'd check on her in 5 minutes and retreated to the couch.  She wasn't thrilled, but she stayed put.  I never went to check on her but I'm fairly certain she's asleep along with Gavin.

My goal for these two weeks has been accomplished!  Yea!

XOXO,

Twas the night before Easter

I cannot believe I gave up fast food for Lent and stuck it out.  The last time I ate any fast food, it was on February 21st, and it was Taco Bueno.  I have missed Taco Bueno and have been crazy-craving Jack-N-The-Box Tacos.  I will not have either tomorrow (we are having La Hacienda Ranch for Easter dinner) but I will likely have one of those Monday or Tuesday--we'll see how long I can hold out!

So much has happened over Lent that no one knows about because I've been off Facebook.  Here's a list of things that I would have put on Facebook, but could not:

1. Prayers for a former student who lost his younger sister to an unknown heart condition unexpectedly.

2. Kailee had the flu and I spent 4 days of a 5-day work week home with her.

3. Gavin is going to summer school to work on his reading, writing and math skills.  It's optional but I've heard great things about it.

4. Brady is out of town for 2 weeks (I'm sure I'll post all about that still this coming week)

5. 5 years ago last Sunday we had our horrible car accident, on the way to church, on Palm Sunday.  April 1st was Palm Sunday again this year.  This made me scared to go to church.  Sad, but true.

6. Last Sunday I had to call the paramedics for Kailee when she woke up from her nap making a strange sound when she breathed and grabbing at her throat.  Thankfully it was just croup!  I paid $150 to get a $10 steroid prescription at the ER.  I definitely do not like it when Palm Sunday falls on April 1st.

7. This week I put in much effort establishing a bedtime routine with the kids.  It's going great!

8. Major got mad that Brady was gone so he pooped all over Kailee's room one night while she was asleep in her bed.

9. Kailee currently has a double ear infection and sinusitis.

10. Gavin is getting so tall.  It really is freaking me out.

11. Brady and I saw Hunger Games.  Afterwards, when I asked if he liked it, he said, "It was good but they seem to have set themselves up for a sequel."  He missed the memo about the trilogy...

12. I read the Millennium Trilogy and LOVED all three books.  Brady watched all 3 Swedish films and I've seen the first.  When he's back in town we plan to rent the American version of the first.

13. I've been crazy obsessed with working out--more so than usual.  In fact, I should complete workout #70 tomorrow.

14. I survived the crazy tornados in DFW with approximately 50-60 students in my room.  

15 I got retweeted by Dolvett from The Biggest Loser during the tornado stuff!  He said we had his prayers :).

16. Brady and I cleaned out our entire house and reorganized with the help of my mom.

17. We got a maid!  I don't care that we are paying kind of a lot; I don't have to clean anymore!!!!

18. I had so much fun last weekend hanging out with the fam and hosting Leslie and Charlie here!

19. All the baby stuff is gone!  We are so glad that Leslie and Charlie's baby boy will be enjoying it all!

20. I would have wished happy birthday to many people I'm sure, including Morgan, Ramsey, Shannon, and Erika.

21. I would have congratulated people FINALLY announcing their pregnancies on Facebook, Leslie and Shannon.

I'm sure there's so many things I'm forgetting, but oh well!  Less than 4 hours until I can get back on there!  Exactly 3 hours and 53 minutes!

XOXO,

PS: Kailee is still awake as I post this.  Will I ever get off the hallway floor and be able to workout?