I am so truly blessed in my life. Just last week I let the thought creep in about how I don't deserve how truly blessed I am. And then fear creeped in. Fear that I could lose it all. Well, I haven't lost it all but our world has been shaken up quite a bit. We found out that Brady will be deployed for 12 months and that he'll be leaving on May 17th for training.
Yesterday I woke up like normal, and for a couple of seconds, I thought it was all a nightmare, and then I remembered it was really happening and the tears began. I cried while fixing breakfast, while eating, while getting Kailee dressed, while getting myself dressed, while saying goodbye to Gavin and Brady, while driving to Kailee's school, while dropping Kailee off, while driving to my school... You get the picture. I managed to hold it together for the faculty meeting but then the tears began again and did not stop until midway through first period. My colleagues were SOOOOOO wonderful. I got so many hugs and encouraging words from everyone. I even got a smiley face sticker that made me smile every time I looked at it. My students were amazing and completely understanding that Mrs. Barber was having a tough day. Today two brought me brownies, one a nice note, and two some flowers.
I did not ignore my emotions and really made myself think about what all was running through my head. I wanted to remember. I realized that most of my tears were brought on first by fear for Brady's safety, second for the fun summer we had planned that no longer could go according to plan, and third the fear that I am going to fail miserably at this. I am still scared for Brady's safety--and will have that fear until he's home safe--but I am much more okay with the fact that our summer is not going to be what we planned. I am closer to acceptance than I thought I'd be at this point. I am still sad that we have to get a refund on our honeymoon/7-year-itch trip and that Brady won't be able to go to Lost Pines for the 3rd year in a row, but it will be okay despite the fact that it sucks.
I am still really scared about my ability to do this. I have very little patience and was at my wits end when Brady came back from being gone for only 2 weeks. I was snapping at my kids left and right and feeling like the world's worst mother after 2 weeks. I don't want to do this alone. I am not one of those moms who can't leave her kids for one night. I need my time away from them to truly appreciate them. I am a very selfish person. I need alone time or I can't handle life. My energy comes from being alone. Plus, I am a perfectionist, believe it or not, and I feel this HUGE pressure to be the perfect parent to compensate for Daddy leaving and I don't know that I can do it. Brady is the better parent. I'm the one who should be deployed.
I don't like taking care of things. I LOVE that Brady pays the bills and takes care of everything like that for me. I have no worries. I have ZERO desire to take care of things like that. I am worried that things will break and I won't be able to get them fixed because I have to save all my days for when the kids are sick--I only get 10 a school year and 1 goes to the leave pool.
You know, Brady just convinced me to let him sign another contract a couple of months ago. I naively did not even consider deployment a possibility. They said troops were coming home. I cannot believe I had a part in letting this happen to our family. I swore I would never do anything to let this happen again. Brady promised he wouldn't sign again. Why did I listen to him? Screw retirement. Now I feel the anger coming on so I'm going to stop this post before it turns into a rant.
Before I end, I do have one more thing that needs to be said. I am so thankful for all the prayers and good thoughts sent my way the last few days. I did not feel alone and know I made it through the day yesterday and today because of all the wonderful people I am connected to whether in person or through Facebook. Please continue to pray for us. All day I have felt strong, but I feel the weakness seeping in again. Oh well, it's good to just let the tears flow--better tonight at home than tomorrow at school.
XOXO,
