Breaking down the walls of my heart

Yesterday, I went to an amazing Christian women's conference with the speaker Marty Sholar.  She touched on 3 big aspects of Christianity: Joy, Grace, and Faith.  While I've been a Christian my whole life, and had my true "conversion" moment in college--when I realized that Christ was in my heart and my savior--the last several years have been lacking.

A week ago, I was in my car, listening to children's worship music with the kids and praying for clarity when my mother-in-law called to invite me to hear Marty speak.  Could there have been a more obvious sign?

I don't want to go into great detail about the conference, but I do want to share what became abundantly clear (I asked for clarity, didn't I?) throughout the day: I have a huge wall wrapped around my heart--I knew the wall was there with regards to the people around me, I just wasn't aware that it was blocking out God.  Life is tough at times.  Over the last several years, I have built up a wall of protection while dealing with the lemons life sometimes throws at you.  The problem is that while it may have seemed to help prevent pain, what it mostly did is prevent healing.  The reason I sometimes felt alone and helpless was because I was closed, I didn't trust God.  I had faith in His existence, but I was not trusting in his Goodness.  I was afraid to be open because honestly, I was disappointed in God because of things that happened outside of my control.  I realized that spiritually, I have been in an even more messed up place than I originally thought, but Marty provided a formula for healing our spiritual needs and I've already begun that process.  I also remembered that I have the book Disappointment with God because someone recognized what was happening to me YEARS ago and gave it to me.  I am reading one of Marty's books, Rejoicing in the Morning, right now, but once I'm done, I'm going to read it.

I am a control-freak.  I've always known that about myself and used to be much better about trusting in God to take control.  I see so many things that I've tried to "fix" and while I've certainly prayed about them, I have not relinquished control until today.  

Here's the formula for healing, in case anyone else needs it right now:

1. Define the need (Value, forgiveness, acceptance, belonging, safety, understanding, nurture) 

2. Go to the scripture and read every verse you can about the need (including synonyms for the need)

3. Ask God to show you your _(fill in the need)___ in his eyes.

While it's been an emotional 24 hours, I feel so much more peace and energy than I did.  I have actually been more emotional for the past month and I see now that it was because God has been tugging at my heart.  He's been breaking through that wall, I just had to pick up my own hammer and do my part willingly.

Here are some passages that have resonated with me in the last 24 hours:

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know full well. Psalm 139:14

Put your hope in the Lord, for with the Lord is unfailing love and with him is full redemption. Psalm 130:7

Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you. Colossians 3:13

For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.  Colossians 1:13-14

XOXO,

Night 3 of Bedtime Training

To begin, let me just brag about the kids!  Last night, Kailee woke up about 9pm for some water but she went right back to sleep in her big girl bed.  Both kids slept all night in their beds in their rooms and Kailee even got up cheerfully at 5:50.  She would have slept longer but I discovered Major took out his anger about Brady being gone by pooping ALL OVER Kailee's bedroom.  I woke her up while cleaning it up.

Right now it's 6:59pm and Kailee is in bed.  We got home, ate, and then Kailee proceeded to throw fit after fit and hit, kick, punch, throw things at us to the point that the only option is to put her to bed.  She's SUPER-fussy and my patience is gone.  I kept her in time out for 10 minutes waiting for her to stop screaming (the doctor says the two minutes cannot start until she stops screaming) and she NEVER STOPPED.  I captured a picture of her intentionally gagging herself.  I'm ready to pull my hair out so I got her out only to have to take another 5 full minutes to get her to calm down.

This is my 2-year-old intentionally gagging herself in time out.  Can we say drama queen?

As I type, Gavin is watching TV in his room and Kailee is fighting her early bedtime by rolling around and sitting up.  We'll see how this goes...

XOXO,

UPDATE @8:19pm - I allowed Kailee to get up and watch some DoodleBops at 7:30.  At 7:50, we went through our new bedtime routine with protests from both kids.  As of 8:15, both kids were out.  Hopefully they stay out all night!